Tonight I leave.
Leave livejournal.
leave hopes
dreams
failed friendships.
You did this to me
crushed me
I thought you were different
you have forever changed me
I hope you know that.
Sure you can put psychology labels on me
but have I ever attacked you
simply put,
no
This is what you do to me
and it's not just you
it's my family too
but you, you were the last person I trusted
I now trust no one
you broke the last piece that had a tiny flicker
of hope
life
love
I am now and forever the ruptured soul
that will wither away in to the night.
Goodbye friend

Uninspired soul
how are you today
sad are you
why do you look down that embankment
is it your escape
what is stopping you
is it the faith that it might get better
you sit alone
why is that
go towards those people
they can help you
go to them
stop looking for ways to end it
life is loss
life is pain
you are not alone
reach out
hang on with all then strength you have left

Playlist.

Elton John-Someone's Final Song
Blink-182 - Adam's Song
Papa Roach - Last Resort
Green Day - Time of your life
Nirvana - Lithium
Johnny Cash - Hurt
The Beatles-In My Life

Yep.

Why do I cry to you
You do not see my pain
You can't feel anything
all of you are numb
and I'm still shouting
that I'm in pain
whats the point
I'm wasting my breath
this is a lost cause
no one is in my corner supporting me
my corner has been empty
for years now
no one is worthy of that spot, no one.

I've been thinking..lol when do I not think haha. Ok so maybe if I try and get detailed on the crapolla that has happened throughout my life I can move on instead of being stuck at certain points. I know that I kind of glide over certain topics so I want to address those. I know I'm not a writer, in fact I hate writing...well not exactly just the formatting of paragraphs and all that crap.

A lot of stuff is going on and I just need to let it out even if my former friend doesn't see my progress of me trying to improve myself. I mainly want to do this to stop holding on to everything that holds me back. I know none of this is going to fix the failed friendships but I cling to hope that it will.

My mood has gone down the toilet since I have realized that I have no one now. It's not just a one time grieving thing with me either, I think about the lost connection and get extremely depressed as most of you can see by my previous posts. I feel lost. I feel like there is no point to being on the internet. I feel like there is no point for art. I feel like I am not worthy of having friends. I feel like there is no point even more now to try to make friends. I feel alone extremely alone like I am the only one...I have my therapist and that's it. I feel like my therapist is trying to get me to quit seeing her though. I just don't know, sigh I do know, I wish I didn't have to think before I say things, I'm tired of trying to analyze shit I think about saying. I want people to like me. I wish I wasn't such a fuck up.

Not much to say. Yesterday was not a good day. Today was alright. I'm really worried about the fires. One is about 2 miles away from my little brother and sister. Getting nervous about that. Hope everything turns out ok. I hope they catch these idiots who started the fires if that's what caused them. That's it for now sleepy time now.

Yep, I've decided I'm done with this shit.

Yeah, to sum up this bloggity blog.. basically I am alone and have lost everyone. Some by my doing and others by their doing. I suck at friendships. I suck at most things. At least I'm willing to admit these things. I am living the life I deserve.

Just another face in the crowd. Hoping for the impossible things in life. I think I am done with blogging, vlogging, and any other pointless thing that makes me open up. What's the point, seriously.

I wish I could quit everything.

This sucks. Seriously, I wish I could be normal enough to keep friends but I'm not. There's not a single person on this planet that loves me let's just face it. I have no one, all my relatives are wrapped up in their own issues. They can't handle me, that's why I'm in therapy... because they don't want to listen to me. This isn't a whoa is me type of thing I'm just sayin' it like it is. I had one good friend and like always I fuck up everything. I hate this. I hate being all alone. Heck my therapist isn't even returning my text message. That says a lot. This is my destiny, to be hated, ignored, and kicked to the side, this is my life. Hated by most, ignored by relatives, and kicked to the side by relatives too. It's awesome isn't it!? I try to talk to my relatives, I really do but they tell me they can't take any more issues. Which leads me to maybe if I become a drunk they will give me attention like they do my dad. Everyone huddles around him willing to listen to his problems, to help him out. No one does that for me, and I tell them too.. that I'm depressed how I hate everything, that I have no one. I wish things were different. This is the way things are meant to be though. People have been ignoring me most my life, since I was 10 months old, maybe longer.. I know this life well, it's not going to change. I hate not feeling wanted anywhere. I feel out of place everywhere I just don't belong. I look at pictures and even in most pictures I look like I don't belong, if that makes sense. I just am tired of this shit. I hate that I felt more like I was a part of a family when my dad was a drunk back in the day when I was 13-15yrs old. Sure I had to deal with his drunken rages but at least I got some attention from my dad and stepmom back then. I wish someone would think of me and be my superhero like I am to my little brother and sister. I know no one thinks of my like I do my little brother and sister. No one thinks damn this girl has been through a lot let's try and help her. I'm not helpable I can't be rescued I'm lost gone not wanted just existing for no reason for no one. It's hard going through life being not wanted or loved. I'm tired of being the strong one, I want someone to be strong for me and let me breakdown. Why is this not possible why can these people see how much I'm hurting.


Adios peeps

I've been looking at myself lately..I have come to the conclusion that I push people away. I have major trust issues that come from childhood since I grew up with a drunk. I don't think anyone gets the full me, people get parts of me. Not only that but when I get confronted I just go in to a "lets not feel" mode which is usually me saying "ok" a bunch of times while the person is talking to me. I know a lot of the things I do are not healthy but when it has gotten me to survive a shit childhood you come to think it works in adulthood. I think what this does is make people think I don't care but I do. Another thing I do is avoid eye contact during a confrontation, because once I look I'm going to feel and I hide my emotions. I know I have a lot to work on...I'm a reliable person and loyal but I just need to stop being stupid and reading too much in to the little things and realize there are some good people out there. Currently I feel I have no one..wait I don't have anyone it's not a "feeling". I am the spectator of my family, I don't really have a spot. The only spot in the family I have is the designated driver on christmas eve, so once a year I am wanted. I hate this feeling inside me. The feeling like I just want to hide, to go away..My family isn't and will never be there for me like I need them to be, I just need to get over it. It hurts so bad being alone. I wish I could just be a fly on the wall to see how it would be different without me. I know I am not wanted by this family of mine...and I have no friends now, so really who would even notice if I hid.

Going to read then go to bed.

Loop this for realz.

so im writing this using my phone. not much to say. trying to move on but it hurts. i hope no one talks to me at school. i hate when people talk to me here. maybe thats my problem...i cant let anyone in, i want to. i know i am deeply flawed, i just wish that one day someone wont let go. Maybe its just too late for me. I am a severly damaged person. Being around all these people is making me nervous. I am reading a book to gain some understanding on why i am the way that i am. i dont like who i am or became. I suck. I dont want people who i try to have friendships with see just how badly i am hurting maybe this is why so many people think i dont open up. I just dont know anymore. i wish things could go back to the way they were. i feel truly alone in this big ass world now. maybe thats what i wanted for the outside to reflect what i feel like is going on in the inside, which is me trying to still grieve alone. i know i have not fully given myself emotionally to anyone since my grandma died. its hard to know who i can trust or be comfortable sharing my emotions with. none of this blog even matters though because its all too late. i should have forced myself to open up..should have said all the crap i was thinking about just blurted it out instead of thinking about how i would sound or if saying all the crap out loud would make me cry...but like i said its all too late.

I guess I'm keeping this blog.

I'm keeping this short and sweet tonight.

Went to my paid friend aka therapist today talked about how I'm not open according to a lot of people. Talked about my use of "I don't know." and "Yeah, I guess." my therapist noticed that I use those a lot too. I know I use I don't know way more than it's needed. I think I use "I don't know" as a way to avoid touchy subjects. She thinks it has something to do with being raised by an alcoholic parent. The "I don't know" and "Yeah, I guess" keep me off the hook. I'm not looking for excuses on why I use these I'm just trying to get a better idea on why I am the way that I am. I know it takes work to change and it's not going to happen overnight.

In other news, went to see about getting a certificate so I can get a better job doing something more centered around my major. Yay me! Excited about that and the future.

I've also decided to spend less time on the internet since I think I was spending an unhealthy amount of time on here. I might go kayaking at the end of the month or in September with some friends so that's another exciting thing. Life is good and it feels like there is light at the end of this dark tunnel I've been in.

Well... what is the future of this, I can't say at the moment. I'm pretty sure I'm done with this. I wish I could drop off the face of the internet, and world.

What have I learned... What have I gained... What have I lost...

I learned it's not California that I hate, it's the fact I don't get out and about like I used to when I had friends. I learned that sitting in a room all day is not going to get me friends, I need to go out more.

I gained a sense of pride, I am proud that I live in California. My family move out here in the 50s to try and make a new life. California has a lot to offer me the beach snowboarding going offroad. Why would I move from a place that has great weather, crazy talk I tell you.

During this trip I lost a great friend. A friend I probably took for granted but thanked God for. I should have told her more how much I appreciated her. I can't go back now she is set on us not being friends. But I am here waiting if she wants to be friends again.

This will probably be my last post as I see no real point since I was just on here to express my emotions...to open up to her. I shall now keep my thoughts to a private journal at home if I choose to continue to document my life.

Long time no post.
Well what is new hmm...
I think I am going to share some random OCD la de da tid bits about myself.
1. I hate when people I'm walking with walk behind me.. I don't know exactly why but I'm thinking it might have something to do with people leaving me.
2. I have this thing about using public restrooms or restrooms at peoples houses.
3. When I'm nervous my stomach makes these weird loud sounds.
4. I watched a TV show about this guy who put a video camera in a mirror to tape his neighbor undressing and now I get nervous around mirrors.

Why do I push people away..GRR. It takes a lot from a person to deal with me, I know this. I'm a lot to handle, but on the good days which have been a lot more common in the past couple weeks I'm pretty good to be around. On bad days I drag people down which I hate about myself. On the great days I hope I bring people up I dunno if I do that. Anyway I need to control this. My mind/emotional state is weird, someone can hurt me and I'm ok with it but a month or longer can go on and I just get word vomit...so it looks like it came from no where then I'm the one at fault. I wish I could fix that about myself. Just tell people at the moment they have hurt me or whatever how I feel and not act like nothing is wrong for months and explode. It's a bad cycle. Maybe this is why I have no friends in rl because it scares people, well my family is used to it so it doesn't scare them.